House: See that? They all assume I’m a patient because of this cane.
Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us.
House: I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor.
Wilson: You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude.
Wilson: Maybe I’ll come to your place.
House: Your wife doesn’t mind being alone at Christmas?
Wilson: I’m a doctor, she’s used to being alone. I don’t want to talk about it.
House: Neither do I.
House: So what's her name? When do I get to meet her?
Wilson: There's nobody. Give it up.
House: Your lips say no, your shoes say yes.
Wilson: Well they're French. You can't trust a word they say.
House: Solid, yet stylish. A professional woman would be impressed. I'm thinking accountant, actuary, maybe. It's somebody in the hospital. Patient? No, chemo's not sexy. Daughter of the patient? She would certainly have the neediness you need.
Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient’s daughter.
House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don’t date at all.
Wilson: You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?
House: Yeah. And you’re the good guy.
Wilson: At least I try.
House: As long as you’re trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Wilson: And as long as you’re not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Wilson: You followed me?
House: No. You were wearing rain boots today, but you were parked in the underground garage, so the only reason you’d need boots was if you were hitting the streets... I followed you.
Wilson: Didn’t we have a conversation about friendship?
House: Yeah. I had some follow up questions. I’ve met your parents, and your brother –
Wilson: I have two brothers.
House: Why wouldn’t you tell me –
Wilson: It was irrelevant.
House: I said I was an addict. I didn’t say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Wilson: Is that all you want? You have no relationships.
House: I don’t want any relationships.
Wilson: You alienate people.
House: I’ve been alienating people since I was three.
Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don’t think you’ve changed in the last few years?
Wilson: Everybody lies, except politicians? House, I do believe you’re a romantic. You just didn’t believe him, you believed in him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry? Dr. Cameron’s getting to you. Well, I guess you can’t be around that much niceness and not get any one you.
House: Is that why you haven’t put the moves on her?
Wilson: What makes you think I haven’t put the moves on her? Oh. Oh, boy! You’re in trouble.
Wilson: I’ve got no kids, my marriage sucks; I’ve only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to you to give one lousy speech.
House: They mattered. If I could do it all again –
Wilson: You’d do the same thing.
House: You gonna get to your point?
Wilson: You need people to like you.
House: I don’t care if people like me.
Wilson: ...Yes. But you need people to like you because you need people. Unless you think you can get the next court order yourself. If Stacy can’t trust you, you can’t use her. And that’s noteven dealing with the greater agenda – of getting her to dumpher husband and fall in love with you all over again.
House: I know you’re friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
House: It’s not about the kids dying every 8 seconds, it’s about the media stroking. Adulation and pats on the head.
Wilson: That’s yourproblem with him, isn’t it?
House: Look at him, he loves it. Eats it up.
Wilson: Yeah, the man actually enjoys what he does.
Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you could give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Wilson: You're- you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say? One little phone call and one big cheque?
Wilson: Fine. Thanks. Now, be a grown-up and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at 7 for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said that-
Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line.
House: Dr Wilson, I want you to meet my stalker.
Kalvin: Your waiting room sucks.
House: I am not treating you.
Kalvin: What, because you're a closet-case?
Wilson: Err... we're not... err... together.
House: He is so self-loathing.
Wilson: Could I stay with you for a few days?
House: You idiot. You told her.
Wilson: She told me. Things have been crappy at home lately, I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her. I figured... Turns out you're right, it's always about sex. She's been having an affair.
Wilson: Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.
House: Go all in.
Wilson: You obviously want to bust me. Why would you-
House: Either you go all in or I tell everybody in the building that you're wearing toenail polish.
Wilson: I'm all in.
House: What I do, is not just based on the flip of a card.
Wilson: You guessed. You got lucky.
House: It fit.
Wilson: It could just as easily have been sarcoma or tuberous sclerosis.
House: No, not just as easily.
Wilson: Maybe not. But it wasn't impossible.
You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them.
Wilson: Here we go.
House: You mean it! And then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy any more. Your fault. You've been there for them too much, they're getting healthy, independent. And that's just ugly. God, you must be pissed at God right now, making her all happy.
Wilson: Why are you doing this?
House: Because you're being stupid.
House: I didn’t try to break up your marriages; you did that yourself.
Wilson: My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
House: Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, romantic weekend in the Poconos could change everything.
House: Wilson, get out.
House: You've lied to the cops enough for me. Maybe I don't wanna push this 'til it breaks.
House: I figured.
House: I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me, that's what friends do.
Wilson: Is this... an apology?
House: Part of the program, if you don't like it I can stop.
Wilson: Not at all, it's just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going.
Wilson: The apology, you didn't need to do that to make this work.
House: Believe what you want.
Wilson: Goodnight House, I'll see ya tomorrow.
House: Goodnight Wilson.
Wilson: You’ve got a CIPA patient.
House: Mmmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
Wilson: Oh it’s way more interesting. But instead, I’ve got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.
House: No one enjoys—
Wilson: You're studying her....
House: She’s actually sick.
Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats.
Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
House: He was in the Navy not the Marines.
Wilson: I thought your dad was in the marines?
House: The guy in the Village People.
Wilson: Actually he's only in the Navy when they sang, In The Navy. The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues. What? You brought it up!
Wilson: YOU sent those flowers to me!
House: Yes because, you took her to a play because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her.
Wilson: No! I don't!
House: Yes you do.
Wilson: You're right.
Wilson: No. You're a jerk.
House: Night Wilson.
Wilson: Night House.
Wilson: So that's it. You call me a coward, life goes on.
House: Apparently. Showed up. Hey. I'm sorry.
House: You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that.
House: Amphetamines aren't going to kill you.
Wilson: You don't know my medical history! I... I could've... you could've given me a heart attack.
House: Well a heart attack is not going to kill you, you were in a hospital. Aha! You yawned!
Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me.
House: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. Yawning is a symptom of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.
Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants; I'm on speeeeeeed!
House: What're you doing?
Wilson: There's a sale on Liquid Tide.
House: If you're broke, I can lend you a tiny bit of the money I owe you.
Wilson: No, no, I wouldn't put you in that position.
Wilson: Did someone... kidnap your guitar? Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?
House: Where'd you hide it?
Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
House: What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?
Wilson: It's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
House: Say adios.
Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo? House, not the season finale!
Wilson: Just looking at you hurts. I'm going to order up some extra pain meds.
House: I love you.
Mr McKenna: Who's your colleague?
Wilson: Dr. House...
House: Yes, Dr. Wilson?
Wilson: I really don't need the consult.
Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.
House: You like that!
Wilson: It's annoying, but she's good at it.
House: Wait a second. This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves- Oh, my God. You're sleeping with me.
Wilson: House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? I-i-it's brilliant. We've known each other for years, We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We're a couple!
House: Are we still speaking metaphorically?
Wilson: Before you warm her up... You said you wanted to try deep brain stimulation.
House: But there's no reason. We know the symptom, we know what I saw.
Wilson: What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash in the ambulance or when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?
House: You think I should risk my life to save Amber's.
Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
House: ... think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel of what he's doing.
House: I told him he's an idiot.
Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
House: I think he's an idiot.
House: I need an epiphany. What are you billing out at? Three hundred an hour? Here's four.
Wilson: There are other oncologists.
House: Better oncologists. But I need you.
Sheriff Costello: This guy was a total stranger to you and you bailed him out?
House: It was a boring convention and I had to have someone to drink with.
Wilson: And there is the entire foundation of our friendship. If you hadn't been bored one weekend, it wouldn't even exist.
House: Hey. Thee were 3,000 people at that convention. You were the one I thought wasn't boring. That's something.
House: Still not boring.
House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged chinese woman..
House: Say it.
Wilson: "I'm a middle-aged chinese woman."
House: If you're coming back just because of the shine of my neediness... I'd be okay with that.
Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
House: Does it bother you that we have no social contract?
Wilson: My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing what will the effect be if I say this? Then there's you. You're a reality junkie. You'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that.
Wilson: No—see—this— If you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that, but only because it makes me feel better.
House: It is kind of fun watching you torture yourself.
House: You manipulative bitch. You aren't eating healthy because you want to. You're eating healthy because you know I don't want to. I've been mooching food for ten years. Now, either it suddenly started bother you this week or you're-
Wilson: Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died I withdrew. Tried to changed everything. Hoping I'd sort it out. Find some deeper truth. It was a mistake. I should have gone back to normal. To here and now because that is all we can ever really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And what could be more normal than me screwing with you and you figuring it out.
[ No dialogue. ]
House: No, it's your other friend in the asylum.
Wilson: Try not to be a jerk.
House: I'm trying. I'm just failing.
Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
House: They're smoking. Your balls.
Wilson: Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
Wilson: That was my paper. You don't ask what I want, you ignore my wishes, you drug me.
House: I'm waiting for you to name something new to our relationship.
Wilson: The operation is in two hours, and I'd like you to be there with me.
Wilson: What... why?
House: Because if you die, I'm alone.
Wilson: She hurt my friend. She should be punished.
House: You got mad? I'm proud of you.
Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks we're gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirt bags.
House: Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me.
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