My Friend Of Misery

Madness... is like gravity. All it takes is a little... Push!


"Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
- Jerry in The Junior Mint

"Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
- Jerry in The Junior Mint

"As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway."
- Kramer in The Pothole

"Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are."
"Trust me, I know the look."
- Elaine and Jerry in The Wink

"It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details."
- Jerry in The Deal

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
- Jerry in The Baby Shower

"Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
"How old are you?"
- Jerry and Elaine in The Stranded

"I've always been a stall man."
- George in The Note

"It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes."
- Jerry to Elaine in The Pen

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry in The Chinese Restaurant

"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George in The Cafe

"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
- Jerry, to Elaine in The Airport

"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George in The Keys

"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he met Jerry in The Outing

"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."
- George in The Trip

"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
- Kramer in The Mango

"I want you to find out if she likes me."
"Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?"
- George and Elaine in The Doodle

"I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!"
"And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins."
- George and Jerry in The Doodle

"Bro's no good. Too ethnic."
"You got something better?"
"How about the Mansiere?"
"Mansiere."
"That's right. A brassiere for a man."
- Frank and Kramer in The Doorman

"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
- Jerry in The Smelly Car

"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George in The Puffy Shirt

"It's so great to see a show that's about something."
- Newman in The Cartoon

"I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."
- George in The Dealership

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- Jerry in The Pilot

"Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
- Jerry in The Non-Fat Yogurt

"The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing."
- Kramer in The Suicide

"I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood."
- Jerry in The Blood

"It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination."
- Jerry, talking about his upcoming audit in The Truth

"Women don't respect salad eaters."
- Jerry in The Wink

"Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on."
- George in The Parking Space

"Man, it's the nineties... It's Hammer time!"
- Kramer in The Parking Space

"She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon."
- George in The Baby Shower

"Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all laid out for me."
- Elaine in The Cheever Letters

"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
- George in The Cafe

"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
- George in The Engagement

"This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!"
- Jerry in The Stakeout

"When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy."
- George in The Hot Tub

"Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you?"
- Jerry in The Boyfriend

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry in The Pick

"You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!"
- Elaine in The Soup Nazi

"There's nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum."
- Elaine in The Maid

"I relate to George through you. We're more like friends-in-law."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
- Kramer in The Puffy Shirt

"Retail is for suckers."
- Kramer in The Glasses

"I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation."
- Jerry in The Sniffing Accountant

"I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity."
- George in The Pilot

"I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around."
- Elaine in The Blood

"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George in The Masseuse

"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."
- George in The Truth

"Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
- Kramer in The Race

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
- Jerry in The Beard

"Man's Best Friend... Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone."
- Kramer in The Strongbox

"I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
- Jerry in The Soup

"Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
- Kramer in The Slicer

"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George in The Label Maker

"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George in The Gymnast

"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
- Jerry in The Gymnast

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
- Kramer in The Chinese Woman

"It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal."
- Jerry in The Chinese Woman

"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
- Jerry in The Big Salad

"She had man-hands!"
- Jerry in The Bizzaro Jerry

"You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.'"
- Kramer in The Bizzaro Jerry

"It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music."
- George, about Elaine's dancing in The Little Kicks

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George in The Stand-In

"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
- George in The Stand-In

"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
- Jerry in The Marine Biologist

"This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
- Jerry in The Pie


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