Season 1
"On average, drug addicts are stupid."
-Three Stories
"The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."
-Three Stories
Cuddy - "Dr. House! Need you here."
House - "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
-Kids
"She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'M pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."
-Babies & Bathwater
"By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?"
-Role Model
"Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."
-Role Model
"You are the most naive atheist I've ever met."
-Role Model
Bill - "His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House - "He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."
-Mob Rules
Cuddy - "I need you to ear your lab coat."
House - "I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obcenely younger than you. Like half of your age."
-Control
Wilson - "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House - "You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"
-Control
"A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
-Cursed
"Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
-Sports Medicine
"You always trust me. It's a big mistake."
-Detox
Foreman - "You assaulted that man!"
House - "Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman - "Yes you will."
House - "All the more reason this debate is pointless."
-DNR
"Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me', though, if you jumble it up."
-DNR
"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
-Damned If You Do
"Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
-Occam's Razor
"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
-Everybody Lies (Pilot)
"Everybody lies."
-Everybody Lies(Pilot)
Season 2
"I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
-No Reason
"Tonight, 'L Word' marathon."
- Forever
"Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
-Forever
"I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?
-Forever
"Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."
-Forever
"Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"
-Euphoria, Part 2
"Everybody's great when they're half-dead."
-Euphoria, Part 1
"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
-House vs. God
"Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."
-House vs. God
"Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."
-Safe
"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."
-Hunting
"You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...I can't think of a non-sexual metophor."
-Spin
"What makes a guy start doorling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"
-Spin
"Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."
-TB or Not TB
"You ever notice all of the self-savrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."
-TB or Nor TB
"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."
-Humpty Dumpty
"I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."
-Humpty Dumpty
"Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."
-Autopsy
"Is is still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
-Autopsy
"What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date nor working out?"
-Acceptance
Season 3
"Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"
-Human Error
"How come God gets credit whenever something good happens?" Where was he when her heart stopped?"
-Human Error
"He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"
-Resignation
"The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them."
-Family
"That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
-Family
"Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."
-Act Your Age
"No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
-Fetal Position
"Even fetuses lie."
-Fetal Position
"And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
-Top Secret
"If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."
-Half Wit
"Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."
-Insensitive
"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
-Needle in a Haystack
"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
-Merry Little Christmas
"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pilss."
-Finding Judas
"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
-Son of Coma Guy
"Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."
-Son of Coma Guy
"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."
-Fools For Love
"Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
-Fools For Love
"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."-Lines in the Sand
"The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."
-Cane and Able
Season 4
"I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs 'til at least lunch."
-Wilson's Heart
"Your biggest problem is I don't know what your biggest problem is."
-House's Head
"Don't blame me, blame my gender."
-House's Head
"Thing is, hope's for sissies."
-Living the Dream
"Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance."
-Living the Dream
"People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'"
-Don't Ever Change
"This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves. Oh my God... You're sleeping with me."
-Don't Ever Change
"How's our mental Yentl?"
-Don't Ever Change
"The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's avtually validating the notion of being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."
-It's A Wonderful Lie
"I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy."
-You Don't Want to Know
"If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he's just another really, really, ugly kid."
-Ugly
"You thinh your dad wants to kill you because you're so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth."
-Ugly
"So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"
-Mirror Mirror
"Did you get a raise? Because then you're a whore. Or didn't you? Because then you're a stupid whore."
-Mirror Mirror
"I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."
-Guardian Angels
"I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive."
-Guardian Angels
"If your organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks."
-97 Seconds
"By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."
-Alone
Season 5
"My standards of fun are not the norm."
-The social Contract
"I hate spunk."
-Joy to the World
"Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's better and you get more action."
-Let Them Eat Cake
"This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."
-Last Resort
"If your life's no kore important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."
-Last Resort
"I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."
-Emancipation
"Just because we call something 'poison', doesn't mean it's bad for you."
-Emancipation
"Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."
-Emancipation
"Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand."
-The Itch
"There's a reason we evolved the feeling of awkwardness; it tells us not to talk about things."
-The Itch
"What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."
-Joy
"Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."
-Joy
"Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."
-Joy
"Aww, yeah... Penthouse forum meets medical mystery - maybe there is a god."
-Lucky Thirteen
"Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis - and no, that one's not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."
-Lucky Thirteen
"People interest me. Conversations don't."
-Lucky Thirteen
"Another life saved by girl-on-girl action."
-Lucky Thirteen
"My patien's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities - if that isn't progress..."
-Dying Changes Everything
"Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head."
-Dying Changes Everything
"I like you better now that you're dying."
-Dying Changes Everything
"On average, drug addicts are stupid."
-Three Stories
"The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."
-Three Stories
Cuddy - "Dr. House! Need you here."
House - "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
-Kids
"She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'M pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."
-Babies & Bathwater
"By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?"
-Role Model
"Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."
-Role Model
"You are the most naive atheist I've ever met."
-Role Model
Bill - "His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House - "He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."
-Mob Rules
Cuddy - "I need you to ear your lab coat."
House - "I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obcenely younger than you. Like half of your age."
-Control
Wilson - "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House - "You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"
-Control
"A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
-Cursed
"Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
-Sports Medicine
"You always trust me. It's a big mistake."
-Detox
Foreman - "You assaulted that man!"
House - "Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman - "Yes you will."
House - "All the more reason this debate is pointless."
-DNR
"Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me', though, if you jumble it up."
-DNR
"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
-Damned If You Do
"Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
-Occam's Razor
"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
-Everybody Lies (Pilot)
"Everybody lies."
-Everybody Lies(Pilot)
Season 2
"I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
-No Reason
"Tonight, 'L Word' marathon."
- Forever
"Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
-Forever
"I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?
-Forever
"Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."
-Forever
"Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"
-Euphoria, Part 2
"Everybody's great when they're half-dead."
-Euphoria, Part 1
"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
-House vs. God
"Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."
-House vs. God
"Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."
-Safe
"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."
-Hunting
"You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...I can't think of a non-sexual metophor."
-Spin
"What makes a guy start doorling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"
-Spin
"Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."
-TB or Not TB
"You ever notice all of the self-savrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."
-TB or Nor TB
"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."
-Humpty Dumpty
"I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."
-Humpty Dumpty
"Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."
-Autopsy
"Is is still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
-Autopsy
"What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date nor working out?"
-Acceptance
Season 3
"Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"
-Human Error
"How come God gets credit whenever something good happens?" Where was he when her heart stopped?"
-Human Error
"He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"
-Resignation
"The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them."
-Family
"That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
-Family
"Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."
-Act Your Age
"No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
-Fetal Position
"Even fetuses lie."
-Fetal Position
"And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
-Top Secret
"If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."
-Half Wit
"Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."
-Insensitive
"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
-Needle in a Haystack
"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
-Merry Little Christmas
"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pilss."
-Finding Judas
"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
-Son of Coma Guy
"Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."
-Son of Coma Guy
"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."
-Fools For Love
"Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
-Fools For Love
"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."-Lines in the Sand
"The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."
-Cane and Able
Season 4
"I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs 'til at least lunch."
-Wilson's Heart
"Your biggest problem is I don't know what your biggest problem is."
-House's Head
"Don't blame me, blame my gender."
-House's Head
"Thing is, hope's for sissies."
-Living the Dream
"Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance."
-Living the Dream
"People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'"
-Don't Ever Change
"This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves. Oh my God... You're sleeping with me."
-Don't Ever Change
"How's our mental Yentl?"
-Don't Ever Change
"The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's avtually validating the notion of being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."
-It's A Wonderful Lie
"I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy."
-You Don't Want to Know
"If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he's just another really, really, ugly kid."
-Ugly
"You thinh your dad wants to kill you because you're so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth."
-Ugly
"So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"
-Mirror Mirror
"Did you get a raise? Because then you're a whore. Or didn't you? Because then you're a stupid whore."
-Mirror Mirror
"I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."
-Guardian Angels
"I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive."
-Guardian Angels
"If your organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks."
-97 Seconds
"By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."
-Alone
Season 5
"My standards of fun are not the norm."
-The social Contract
"I hate spunk."
-Joy to the World
"Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's better and you get more action."
-Let Them Eat Cake
"This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."
-Last Resort
"If your life's no kore important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."
-Last Resort
"I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."
-Emancipation
"Just because we call something 'poison', doesn't mean it's bad for you."
-Emancipation
"Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."
-Emancipation
"Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand."
-The Itch
"There's a reason we evolved the feeling of awkwardness; it tells us not to talk about things."
-The Itch
"What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."
-Joy
"Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."
-Joy
"Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."
-Joy
"Aww, yeah... Penthouse forum meets medical mystery - maybe there is a god."
-Lucky Thirteen
"Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis - and no, that one's not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."
-Lucky Thirteen
"People interest me. Conversations don't."
-Lucky Thirteen
"Another life saved by girl-on-girl action."
-Lucky Thirteen
"My patien's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities - if that isn't progress..."
-Dying Changes Everything
"Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head."
-Dying Changes Everything
"I like you better now that you're dying."
-Dying Changes Everything
I love DR House. For those who missed it!
YanıtlaSilHilarious Bloopers and an alternate take between Cuddy and Cameron!
http://hahaha-havealaugh.blogspot.com/search/label/Bloopers%20Dr%20House